Writing in the Dark

I don't know if I'm a daily blogger or not. Blogger...i kind of hate that word actually. Blog is the best we've got for this casual form of self publishing and by consequence those that practice "it" are called bloggers. I'm a blogger. Blog, blog, blog. The more i write it the more distasteful it is to me. A note to anyone with their hackles up or factdar on, i know where the term blog comes from (web + log = blog) but it doesn't make it an any more edifying word to use and say. Anyways, i don't know if this is a daily thing for me. I'm enjoying this morning practice of getting thoughts out and away and as an off shoot of yesterdays little bit on writing i guess it is a form of free writing though i spend a bit of my day after I've posted thinking about a topic for the next.

I'm making this a morning thing, I've already had some coffee, checked the soccer scores and news (I follow the English Premier League and will have some thoughts on Landon Donovan's move to Everton soon), and browsed craigslist. I've woken up to some extent. The Christmas lights are on behind me and the rest of the house is dark save the computer screen. This is a time that lends itself to writing. This silence that encroaches around. The darkness helps me feel anonymous, a feeling that has always aided me when writing. It is very hard for me to write in the light of day, i feel like I'm being watched and scrutinized. There is this unreal paranoia hanging over my shoulder. Additionally, writing later in the day has given me a chance to over think and over analyze what I'm thinking, what i want to say. A lot of the organic evolution of writing is lost in the later parts of the day. Unless I've been drinking.

Alcohol doesn't make me a better writer but under its influence my mind is languid and loose and have done some strong writing under the muse of wine and beer. Of course, strong to me, as I'm rather afraid to really share my writing with other people...this blog (i cringe again at the word) is sharing...suddenly i feel pretty self conscious.

I do practice free writing but it is this practice of relatively worked out thoughts going onto a blog that defines my free writing, i do not free write, often, in the true sense of the exercise, and anyone who reads or is reading this are subject to this process of writing I'm going through. I wrote, first, that this would be a chronicle through career change from doing carpentry to being something, finding my vocation. But that is a very personal process! And i am a private person. And i don't know how well i can share that stuff with you.

The reality of what I'm setting out to do is a real as the darkness that surrounds me. Going back to school, possibly, changing careers, training and learning to do something new and different is a frightening prospect. We do stand on the precipice of change and discovery and it is time to move forward. But a precipice is an exposed and dangerous place to be and i crave and desire comfort and safety.

I do not like being exposed, this is why i write in the dark.