Status: SNAFU

I've been letting the daily blog go. I've, actually, let it go. It seems to me that being unemployed has left me with little or nothing to say on a daily basis. I am sure that it is connected to useful productivity in some regard. When i was working, full time, i lead very productive and purposeful days. Now i sit at home for extremely large swaths of time and watch the paint peel...not really, but it feels like it at times. I was struck this morning, as i got out of bed, at how desperate i am becoming for something that resembles purpose for getting out of bed. It is easy, frighteningly easy, to lapse into a cycle of sleeping late into the morning and letting the day get a couple hours head start. When the day has the lead i never feel like i get it back and for the rest of the day I'm two hours behind everyone else. I hate that, but what can you do? There seems to be no reason to wake up with my alarm, to get moving during the day, to push forward at all.

I want to be a writer but i don't write. I want to be an artist but i don't create. I want to be a professional but i have no skills. I am tired of being a carpenter, i look for carpentry work, inquire about the few and scattered positions, but my heart is not really in it. The thought of working for someone else has begun to have a similar effect as sour milk but the reality of working for myself is bleak and frightening as well. I live a life wrapped up in the fears and insecurities of my mind and my reaction to adversary and desperation is to reach out for what is familiar and comforting. In the case of unemployment it is carpentry. There are not enough superlatives for me to describe how disgusted i am with my reaction to this crisis. My wife constantly tells me that I'm too hard on myself, perhaps i am, but the world is moving forward with or without me and i hate being left behind.

Yet, i am hung up on the fulcrum of my problem and that is how i go forward. I have lost the capability to make a decision about the nature of a career. I feel a deep desire to create in an artistic setting, I always have, and i have always turned to writing to feed that desire but perhaps my creative medium can take a new shape? I don't know, i have no other, apparent, artistic talents at my disposal right now. I'm losing focus.

Some days i wake up with the rain running all over the face of Bellingham and i want to scream FUCK IT!!! out to the world. Some days Bellingham is washed in sun and i have the same reaction.