Over the course of the odd year I have covered a myriad of subjects on this little blog of mine. Writing on books and movies and feelings and family and memories and writing and after each post or each lengthy lay-off from posting it seems I find myself back where I started: where is my life going? I have become adept at adjusting to waxing and waning of life's changing circumstance and at times I feel that it's a strong pair of sea legs beneath me to keep my balance. There is no depth for the thankfulness I have for my wife and her continued support. But life is fucking hard and even when we're riding the highs there is a part of me braced for the lows.
Two weeks ago I was laid-off from my job as a remodel carpenter. It was out of the blue, no warning, and shrugged off my my supervisor. (I was completely ignored by the owner of the small, small, small company. You would think that with a walloping three employees he could have made 15 minutes to tell me himself.) This is not the first time I've been laid off, every spring for the past three years has seen down time of sorts, with a little side work trickling in, we have made the best of the situation and climbed steadily out. But losing a job you are quite confident you will have for many months to come is a dramatic blow. It mangles my confidence, hammers at the security and comfort of our home, and creates subtle changes in my relationships with friends and family.
Being out of work is not a fun time. I wish there was a way to enjoy the down time more--and I do love the extra time/chance to help out more with the boys, not working opens up lots of activities during the day that I try to make the most of--but I am plagued by the realization that the steady paycheck to which we have set our standard of living is gone and rent is coming due and so are the bills and we have to eat. All of which will happen, I am sure, but that doesn't alleviate a deep sense of failure (failed to keep my job, failing to provide, failing, failing, failing...) or accompanying stress that comes with the situation.
I don't believe that getting laid-off was my fault, I don't believe that I am to blame. That doesn't change the situation.
For the time being I try to take one day at a time, live it as best I can and take the next come what may. C'est la vie.
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