The Things I love.

Its nearly impossible for me write about the things in life i really enjoy. Mountain Biking, for example, when i put it in print, i comes out sound cliche and lame. It makes it seem like some existential quest of meaning and purpose in an other wise unfulfilled life. Soccer, too, is hard. For some reason writing about running the length of the pitch trying to shoot the ball in the goal reads similar to what i write about mt. biking. Fly Fishing, there are two great books about fly fishing--The River Y, by David James Duncan, and A River Runs Through It, by Norman Mclean. In each of the two novels the authors found fly fishing to be metapohoric of life, purpose, and the inner conflict of family and coming of age. Sex is another topic i find incredibly hard to write about. Beer, wine, food, reading all have challenges to me. All are painfully hard to write about. But, with the exception of sex, none of these things are conflicted in my mind. The only real conflict about them is when will i have the time to get on the mountain, on the river, on the pitch... As i write, more and more, i find the conflict in my current experience emerging, if not in print then defiantly in my mind.

This blog, as I've said, is partial chronicle of a journey to find where this period in life is going to take us. I've already written about the impatience i (we) are feeling to start moving forward, begin to find avenues out of this revolving life situation--work, lay-off, work--that has very little forward momentum and onto something that, if it doesn't make me rich (because it most likely will not), will be full filling and inspirational. I'd like to get paid to do what i love. The ol' cliche, right?, figure out what you love to do then find a way to get paid to do it. However, people aren't running around giving checks to mediocre, at best, mountain bikers, soccer players, and fly fishermen. Money isn't falling off trees for those of us well suited to the enjoyment of the finer comforts in life: beer, wine, and food. So the conflict is suddenly very surface and shallow. I want to do the things i enjoy. I feel that it is only recently that I've found time and, albeit limited, resources to explore, in some cases re-explore, these outlets. Really, the 'hobbies' listed are outlets from reality.

On my bike the world sort of falls away and the moment is all that is alive. Hip deep on the river, letting flies drop in perfect placement to catch the current and lure the fish out of hiding and onto my line is a singular peaceful experience. When i listen carefully, the silence is filling and the wonder and creation of God is all apparent and almost painfully vivid. Soccer brings brings me to a place of deep competition and singular purpose: win. Beer and wine and food are things that comfort me. Sex...well, its sex.

Would that i could get paid for that i love but suddenly it becomes business and my escape from the real world should not be business but only escape. So what if i can't write about it? The moment is to surreal to explain and the only way to truly understand where i come from on these topics is to experience them yourself.

Writing, like life, is driven by conflict and character. I can not write about that which i am not conflicted (or something that would compromise my wife and children) so i don't. What i have to write about, right now, is the internal conflict I'm experiencing. The impending lay-off and the revolving stress about what will happen and if I'll find work. The possibility of returning to school and the additional debt that will accrue as a result therein. I've been listening to one of the c.d.s from Tom Waitts album Orphans subtitled "Bawlers" but two refrains keep spinning in my head "the world keeps turning" and "I'll never let go of your hand". Bad, challenging, unfair experiences come up in life but the world keeps turning and i can't do anything to change that. All i can do is keep living, as best i can, from where I'm at and not let go of my family and friends. The only thing permanent in my life right now is my wife and I'll never let go of her hand.