A New Path

February, March, April, and now into May. The clock ticks off each hour of each day and we squeeze by, week to week, on unemployment checks. The morose darkness that plagued my mind has abated some what but the eager excitement of the early days has also abated. The process of discovery and exploration that I looked forward to so keenly has been slow and arduous, each meeting with another professional, councillor, or advisor a notch in the belt and a small step closer to figuring out the future but nothing so compelling as the path to take. And there isn't one right path. There are several and each leads to a different destination. But a combination of interest testing and personality profile has given me more specific programs to follow, the combination points me towards mass communication. For me, specifically, that means graphic design, or visual communication.

There was a time, a long time ago it seems, that i was a good photographer. Good meaning i was patient with framing shots and understood my camera (Cannon AE-1) very well. I have a box of black and white photos somewhere, the mats, i am sure, falling apart and the photo paper degenerating rapidly...I didn't know that a profession like that existed. I was horrible in the dark room and never destined for a life of photography but a life of graphics, well, it could be. I am excited at the possibility, fully, excited to have something concrete in mind. I may seem like the most indecisive person, based on this blog. First teaching now visual communications but under the gloss of the ideal is the reality, an aspect hard for me to see, and the reality of teaching is not all Dead Poet's Society.

We have come to a point where i have to choose, where I am getting to settled in the waiting place and no one is going to come get me out, it is up to me. I am tired of waiting and searching and being disappointed at the end of the week and going to bed Sunday night filled with a hollow desperation and dread of the week to come, an empty week. Monday is the worst for me, with nothing scheduled and nothing promised it is an empty day left to me to fill and the motivation to fill it has fallen flat to the floor and become heavy and fat with inactivity.

Today I have a little hope, I can visualize myself in graphic design and I can eagerly look forward to the classes and the real world application. Tomorrow, well, I'll see about tomorrow as it comes.