I've started this week exhausted and now i am afraid that feeling will continue throughout. It is amazing how the only thing i have to write about is that. With everything else going on, the only thing i can bring to focus is how tired i am. I've been trying to get started here for close to half an hour but I've just been surfing the web, reading soccer highlights and commentaries and checking email and craigslist. Anything but sticking to my writing plan: blog 5:30 - 6:00, write 6:00 - 7:00. One week in and already failing. It is the same with an exercise routine/schedule i created a couple of months ago. My goals aren't that unrealistic, they just require some discipline and focus, but i can't seem to stick to it. What i want is to be more fit and feeling stronger and healthier, so i create a schedule and find that i don't have enough energy or time at the end of the day to squeeze a workout of almost any sort in. I don't like just working out, i like to ride my bike or play soccer or something of that nature, going for a jog is okay but not ideal. In the same light, i want to be a more serious writer, working on things that can be polished and focused, taking what I'm doing here--on this blog--a step further by working on more creative types of writing. I fail in the first week. I've absolutely no focus or discipline...
Life is on such a tight timeline, a couple of hours of time before i go to work and a few after, get the kids in bed and then a bit of time with my wife before we wonder off to dream land ourselves. Our budget is the same way, dolled out to the penny. When I've been laid off our life scenario changes dramatically. There is no money to budget and our life schedule takes a dramatic nose dive to oblivion. I'm around, things are different and a little hectic. It's as though i disrupt a finely tuned balance of creative and focused parenting and routine. Life is a crazy roller coaster that way and just as things seem to be getting comfortable and normal the whole train peaks and drops into the valley and everything is out of control. Once that decent begins there is no way to stop it without breaking the train. Life, fortunately, isn't that black and white but i feel like we are on that crazy free fall and everything we try is only a speed bump that we barely feel.
To be perfectly honest i often feel that we're either in the afore mentioned free fall hoping for a same and timely landing or we're marching slowly onward, one tired step after the other. Life is like that, the crazy fall and then a slow stagnating march.
I'm running out of steam here, for this morning. This week, so far, my brain has receded deep within my skull and my muse has been AWOL for some time, hopefully when my brain emerges from hibernation it'll bring my muse along and i can put some thoughts into type that actually flow and make sense. This blog is helping me write, that is for sure. I'm learning how to draw out thoughts when i don't feel like it, I'm learning how to keep the words coming regardless of inspiration and focused purpose.
All the reasons for starting a blog have begun to fade away from the current reality of what it is, a daily session of free writing that anyone who has a mind to can read. It is, admittedly, the half-crazed, depressed ramblings of a caffinated, hence the non-sequitor nature of nearly everything i write.
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