Thought and Expression

For some reason I've been putting this off for most of the morning. The daunting proposal of thinking and writing and relaying the electrical signals from my brain to my fingers ergo thoughts into print weighed me down. I found myself doing everything at the computer except writing. I sort of feel like my mind is in a vacuum right now, the nature of thought and expression being sucked into a black hole leaving me empty and longing for the complicated nature of thought. Thought and expression.

This season of unemployment and searching inevitably leads to questions of identity and purpose. I wrote the other day that identity is closely tied to profession and that as a husband and father, i find a large portion of my identity wrapped in the medium by which i support my family. As that medium hangs in the balance it is true that a significant portion of how i identify myself is also hanging in the balance. It seems to me that this is where the vacuum is coming from. Stripped of purposeful work, stripped of a key identifier of my self, stripped of a small portion of my ability to actively express who i am and what I'm doing. Maybe.

My identity and personality are not entirely wrapped up in how i make a living. I would be a droll and grey man if that were the case. Perhaps I'm looking at it in the wrong way, but the restless feeling of discontent and frustration are a direct consequence of not working as though part of me is missing or incomplete. It does give me a chance to think about who I've become and who i want to be. A path of carpentry is not, necessarily, a bad path to walk. But, is it for me? Is that who i want to become?

I have a great hope that, as i start career counselling, i will be given the tools needed to redefine how i work--what i do to make a living--and in the process make conscious decisions about how i define myself. If, as i believe, a significant part of who i am is wrapped up in what i do, then this is a chance for me to redefine that man i am and the man i hope to become.