Schedules and Grace

A life with children is a life where in the minutia of the day is liquid, not concrete. Any schedule is subject to change at any minute due to discipline, hunger, exhaustion, distraction, thirst, or the whimsical yearnings of a child's heart and mind. This is, in the moment, maddening and frustrating. Often, when it is time to leave the house it is for the sake of others as well as us and the world works on a clock that tells time differently than a five year old does...or an infant. This is a life lesson i learn every day.

I put myself on a schedule, a tight one. i try to hit this blog from 5:30 to 6 a.m. then write on a different project from 6 to 7. sometimes it works, sometimes not. When it doesn't work i find myself extremely frustrated and impatient. Half of the time it is because of me. I sit and stare at the cursor and the keyboard and the Internet and the walls and do anything but write. But the other half i am called into parental duty. Away from the computer (or out of bed as the case may be) and into fatherhood. There is never a good transition from one status to the other and all activities within the house are subject to change at a moments notice. But i don't adjust like that so well. When i am into a project or hard at work procrastinating at the computer, it is against my selfish nature to leave to care for my baby or preschooler. Is it true that i am so self absorbed?

The unfortunate answer is yes. I have a high capacity for self and a low for others. As much as i love my children their needs draw on my energy level and sap my strength and slowly i loose capacity for grace. It is always after they've stopped crying that perspective arrives. They need me, and my wife, we are gods to them, we are their universe. If only for a while. There is nothing like the peaceful eyes of a baby staring into your face while cradled in your arms to drive home humility and compassion.

This morning the baby woke up with my alarm, from the other room, and decided that 5:30 was time for him to get up to, so here he sits, on my lap as i hammer out this blog. Editor in chief, he is. And he is just sitting here, head on my arm, watching the words fall behind the cursor. Not quite awake not quite asleep. Simply with me, needing me.

As adults we aren't much different, often we need the same thing. Someone just to be with us, sit with us. We don't always have to understand or empathise or solve any problems but to just have some available. This is often lacking. For my part i always want to solve problems and offer solutions--i know this drives my wife a little crazy from time to time--but all people really want (and often need) is a gracious presence to be with them.

The schedule of parents is constantly in flux but the needs of their children are constant. Father hood has shown me the meaning of grace and day by day i learn to extend it a little bit further than the day before.