In Like a Lion...

It rained last night, very hard. I could hear the wind blow across the roof of our house and hit the stainless steel chimney cap and could imagine currents of wind separate around the chimney, some going around, some flying in and the the metal flap, not in my imagination vibrated and turned under pressure of the currents of wind that tried to fly into our house. This morning their is a residue of wind and the rain patters hard on the chimney cap, the furnace creaks in the changing heat, and my coffee is hot and fresh from the pot. It is six a.m. and the world seems asleep, dawns light held at bay by the rain and the clouds.

I was always under the impression that March went out like a lamb, but the forecast has Bellingham under the thumb of the wind and the rain for the rest of the week. The notion of going out like a lamb always offended me as a child. My birthday is at the end of the month (31st actually) and i wanted to be the lion, not the lamb. The lion/lamb symbolism is self-evident now, especially so close to Easter, and i would gladly let my life be synonymous with the lamb as i watch my actions and words take the shape of my great pride--pride is like a chain at times, remember Jacob Marley, and the more we live in a state of pride the heavier our chains become. The lamb seems to be the object of absolute humility (not to mention a great symbol of Christ...but the lion is as well, in another context for another time) and a way of life i wish i could say i strived to achieve but i am comfortable in my pride and leaving the comforts of life is not something in which i have a strong record.

Maybe i digress.

My birthday is on Wednesday and i am turning 30.

I feel adrift and grasping for a course heading.

I am beginning to loose momentum...

The wind and rain that the weather forecast promises feels apropos for turning 30 this year. I'm looking forward to being the age i have felt i should be for sometime now but sad by the notion i feel like I'm drifting into it. I have it in my mind that i should be going into my 30's purposefully and taking ownership over the next generation in my life. But i am not. While i have a goal in mind the preliminary steps are long, slow, and frustrating and i am left impatient and anxious for things to happen. (Cue strong gust of wind!)

Life will not always be like the ship tossed on the waves and controlled by the current, not entirely, eventually i will discover how to use the rudder steer into the places i want to go.