Vanishing Urgency

My focus and routine are beginning to suffer. I have been clinging to a final straw of normalcy as we slog through the job hunt. My alarm still goes of at 5 am, but I've noticed that I'm getting up a little later with each passing day. 5:15, 5:25, 5:30, then closer to 6. I need this time in the morning, before the boys are awake, before i make my wife's tea, before things happen. I've grown so accustomed to a bit of time before the world wakes up that when we all wake up together i feel twisted around like I've lost my bearings in a fairground packed with people like so many sardines in a small can. As my sense of routine begins to vanish so does the sense of urgency to find a job.

Little things keep me busy as does house stuff. But a full time, daily job is still what we need to live. Somehow we've made it through and are moving bravely forward but we can not ride this wave forever and i am afraid reality will catch up sooner or later and when it does i hope to high heaven i have a job. There will be the inevitable car problems or something of that nature... But it isn't even the financial aspect of working that is so important.

Work, for me, for men, is part of the way we are hardwired. Without work we drift and slowly values and traits that define our work ethic and motivation begin to fade into a grey haze as our lifestyle embraces unemployment. The urgency that was so apparent when i first began looking for work has subsided to a dull ringing that i barely notice and the excitement and fire of starting the process of change has cooled significantly. Process' never go as quick as we need them too. I do not understand the cadence of life--my boys have grown up so fast yet i feel trapped on a slow moving bus in rush hour traffic.

I believe there is a divine intention for the life of this family, but i don't believe there is only one right intention. The easy part is for me to take a job. If i don't enjoy it, so be it, it is easy for me to work (if work was available). The hard part is identifying what i want out to do with my skills and talents and take a risk by starting over. Going back to school. Digging deep and moving out of the rut of bouncing from one carpentry job to the next and finding something that facilitates a family oriented, working life style--i.e. benefits!

This has been a great opportunity to mt. bike and bond with my older son and be available to help with the kids for my wife but time is running out and motivation is severely waning. It is time for work, decision, and action and i wonder how I'll find the energy.