Provider Image.

My daily schedule has completely gone to shit and i am cruising quickly towards motivational collapse. An entire shut down of drive, determination, and energy. The longer i am on the dole, the easier it is to feel depressed, drink too much coffee, and go mt. biking. Honestly, being unemployed in this labor market...sometimes its like standing in the woods, a deep thicket of underbrush and thorny vines surrounds you and there is no indication as to how you got into the situation and as you turn about to survey the wall of vines and branches there is very little to indicate a way out. Not stuck, so much as lost and the way back to civilization looks painful and very, very hard.

There is an image of a father/provider in my mind. Two actually. My father is the consummate provider and as a child and into young adult hood my family never, ever went hungry. The fruits of his toil are apparent to me now, as is the nature of the sacrifice he made to feed his family. Between my mother and he we were cared for and fed and clothed and protected. My father never spent more that one or two days at home due to lack of work--actually, i don't remember any.

I know that it isn't fair to myself and my situation to draw comparisons with my childhood experience. I know that what i want out of a career is to provide but also to find fulfillment. I don't know that my father was vocationally full filled, he did (does) what he is good at and is content in the knowledge of a job well done, but he is the quintessential provider in my mind and as i am home, not working, and struggling for self-worth and motivation i find myself falling dramatically short of the image i have of the providing husband-father. An image that is seeming farther and farther away with each passing day.